2013: A Year in Review

Ahhh, New Years Eve. We meet again.

You always show up a lot faster than I thought possible, and this year was no exception.

2013 was jam-packed with surprises for us. Car accidents (and then new car shopping), pregnancy (and then actually staying pregnant), appliance failures (and blinding rage on my part), and an unexpected c-section (epidurals are a.maz.ing).

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Sarah at The Mamas Rapscallion stole these questions from someone who probably stole them from someone else, who probably stole them from a MySpace survey in 2005.

And so I will steal them now.

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before? I got pregnant (been there, done that) but then I STAYED THAT WAY, hollaaaa!

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2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I think I made some resolutions? I know I wanted to learn to sew, which I didn’t do, but I did finally get a sewing machine, so that’s a step in the right direction. I don’t have anything specific in mind for 2014 — if I remember to brush my teeth every day, I consider that a success. Throw a shower in there, and ooooohweee, Momma’s takin’ care of business that day. The bar has been set pretty low.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? So many people! High school and college friends are popping out babies left and right. My ex-boyfriend’s sister’s best friend?! Yup, her too. Babies Everywhere.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes, unfortunately. My Grandma, on my dad’s side, passed away the day after her 90th birthday in the spring. Fortunately I got to spend the day with her the week before, on one of her last really good days, and she was so so soooo excited when I told her I was pregnant again (I had literally just found out. Hadn’t had my first beta yet, so it was sort of a gamble to even bring it up).

5. What places did you visit? Ugh, none. We even skipped family vacation, because I had a crapton of doctors appointments once I hit like 25 weeks. We did spend a weekend at the beach, just the two of us, and my morning sickness finally subsided enough for me to eat at my favorite Mexican place, repeatedly.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? Nothing, really. We got everything we really wanted about 10 weeks ago. A winning lottery ticket would be nice though, because that baby was expennnsiiiiive.

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 24 I flipped my car over. February 3 we won the Superbowl. February 12 was our embryo transfer. September 7 was my baby shower. October 21 Gus was born. A lot of other stuff happened in the middle, I think.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? See above, re: birthing a human.

9. What was your biggest failure? I’m obviously terrible at driving on ice.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Again, see above.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I’m a big fan of our new car. The baby is quite nice too.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Mike’s as usual. I married a saint.

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13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I was seriously pissed at the guy who made my sandwich at Subway the other day. Lettuce, mayo and tomato explosion, with every bite. Sandwich Artist, my ass.

14. Where did most of your money go? Towards that adorable 11 pound baby of ours. At least we hit our deductible really, really quickly.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Dressing a tiny human. And meeting Kevin Nealon!

16. What song will always remind you of 2013? No question:

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier!
b) thinner or fatter? So much thinner! I’d breastfeed this kid forever if it didn’t get so creepy.
c) richer or poorer? Financially poorer, richer in everything else.

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18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I’d eaten more dairy when I thought I could. And I wish I’d eaten more delicious crap before I found out I had gestational diabeetus.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? I was pretty lazy this year. I don’t know if it’s possible for me to have done less of anything.

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2013? Christmas is usually a really stressful day for me. Growing up with divorced parents meant I had to operate on a tight schedule so there was time to see everyone and open gifts before it was time to move on to the next location/relative. Add in a husband and a stop at the in-laws (who understandably want equal time with, you know, their son), running home to feed the dogs, and now breastfeeding every two hours? Forget it. This year we told everyone we were hanging out at home, come over if you’d like, we’ll have some snacks and alcohol ready to go. We opened presents, ate all day, and watched several Christmas movies. It was wonderful. I smell a new family tradition.

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21. Did you fall in love in 2013? I’m in love with this chubby baby, that’s for damn sure.

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22. What was your favorite TV program? I just started/finished Orange is the New Black (loved it, obvs) but my heart belongs to Scandal.

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2013? Ahhh, January. That was forever ago! We ate sushi, and Mike covered me in diamonds.

24. What was the best book you read? I loved The Cuckoos Calling by an in disguise JK Rowling. And Serena by Ron Rash was pretty good (Jennifer Lawrence will kill it in 2014, naturally).

25. What did you want and get? The world’s most adorable baby.

26. What did you want and not get? Twins seemed like a good idea back in February, but I was mistaken. One is plenty.

27. What was your favorite film of this year? Catching Fire was soooo good. Yes, I’ll be 33 in two weeks. Pffft. Team Peeta, ya’ll.

28. Did you make some new friends this year? I made some bloggy/Internet friends. That counts, yes?

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I really, really wish I’d done my hair the night we met Kevin Nealon. Priorities, people!

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30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013? Two words: elastic. waists.

31. What kept you sane? Kept? That’s being generous.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Steve Martin, always and forever.

33. What political issue stirred you the most? Ugh. Politics schmolitics, am I right? They can all suck it.

34. Who did you miss? I miss old friends who aren’t local anymore. A lot of them I’ve know for a long, long time and it’s sad they aren’t around to meet Gus.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013. “A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.”

Also, googly eyes make everything funnier.

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Liebster Blog Award!

Georgette at Can’t Control Everything After All recently nominated me for a Liebster Blog Award, which is, “an award is granted to up-and-coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers who deserve some recognition and support to keep on blogging.” This is my first time being nominated for the Liebster Award, I think. Last year my old friend Sarah at Anything but Academia nominated me for a similar award, but then — despite my best intentions — I sort of forgot about it.

I blame estrogen injections, which make you crazy, and forgetful.

Anyway — this time I’m going to follow through. And if I can find the old questions from Sarah, what the hell, I’ll do them a year too late.

The instructions are:

1) to answers the 11 questions written by your nominator. 2) to nominate 11 other bloggers who have less than 200 followers. 3) to write 11 of your own questions for each nominee to answer.

Here are my questions from Georgette:

1.  Tell us the craziest or funniest thing that happened on your wedding day. Well, see, we accidentally got married in the middle of a blizzard. I mean, the wedding wasn’t an accident, but the blizzard sort of snuck up on us. Well, on me. I was so worried about having to get in and out of the limo from the house to the wedding ceremony in the rain, I only checked the weather report up until our wedding day. Once I thought we were in the clear, I just stopped looking at it. So, when I showed up at our wedding rehearsal and the wedding planner said, “Oh my god, aren’t you glad you’re not getting married a day later?!” I had no idea what she was talking about. So, the snow started falling mid-way through our reception, and by the time we left, there were already several inches of snow on the ground. A lot of drunk people fell while they were leaving, which was hilarious. But then Mike’s grandma fell, and it wasn’t as funny anymore. By the time we left our hotel the morning after, there was almost two feet of snow on the ground, and a lot of out of town guests were stuck in Baltimore. We also had a party planned at my mom’s that had to be canceled, and we ended up with like 30 pounds of wedding cake at our house (which I was totally fine with). This was what my legs looked like by the time I got back in our front door:

2.  What do you do for a living? Not much, I assure you! I run my Etsy shop, Addigail Designs, from home, and some weeks are busy, and some I don’t hear a peep from customers. It’s not like those shops you read about where people had a regular 9-5 job, but their stuff was so popular they decided to focus on it 100%. If I’m lucky, I usually sell enough to cover my iTunes purchases. Then, a little more than a month ago, I started working part-time with my mother-in-law at a surgical center, helping a few afternoons with scheduling surgeries, making charts, answering phones — that sort of thing. I know what you’re thinking: 1) are you qualified for that sort of thing, and 2) wait, with your mother-in-law??  Well, 1) no not really, but I’ve already mastered spelling a variety of surgical things that I had never heard of and I know how to answer a phone, so I’m getting there, and 2) she’s really nice. Not like one of those horrible mother-in-laws you always see on TV.

3.  Best method of losing weight when you need to drop 10 lbs?  My recent experience has been to cut out gluten, which basically eliminates all breads, cookies, cakes, and deliciousness from your diet. Which makes sense, because back in the day, my standard answer to this question would have just been “carbs” in general. I really can’t hype the gluten-free lifestyle enough though. For example, after miscarriage #2, I basically ate my feelings in whatever horrible carb-laden form you could think of. It was delicious, and improved my mood for about five minutes, but that was about it. I felt like total crap the rest of the time. I recently pulled myself together and got back on track (for like the 70th time in my adult life) and after three days, my body doesn’t ache, my cold is getting better, I have more energy, and I’m sure I’m losing some weight.

4.  Why did you decide to start blogging about infertility? I didn’t originally. I had been thinking about it for awhile, and decided to just give it a go, without any real direction. We were doing stuff around the house, which I wanted to document. And there were so many stories I wanted to use to embarrass my mother on the internet, so that was good. Our fertility treatments didn’t start until a few months later, and then I really found the blog to be a helpful way to keep a lot of people who were interested in our progress up to date, without having to explain everything over and over and over again. You can only explain about follicle sizes, and estrogen levels, and monitoring appointments so many times, and then your head will just explode off your body. It’s a medical fact.

5.  Have any other blogs you write? Remember all those stories I tell, to embarrass my mother? Well, those are just the ones I’m willing to let her and my grandmother read about. There are so many more debaucherous tales, that I have considered writing them somewhere else under a pseudonym. But then I think that seems like a lot of work, and anyone who lived with me in college will figure it out pretty quickly, and there goes that anonymity!, so why bother.

6.  You’re going out for a casual date night with another couple– describe your outfit, head to toe.  Nipple tassels, and some well-placed bells. And maybe a pashmina, in case the restaurant is a little chilly.

7.  Favorite online shopping websites? Being unemployed for so long really helped subdue my online shopping. But if we’re talking about clothes, I usually stick with Old Navy, because it’s cheap, and every so often I find the best jeans there. I’m also a sucker for everything Paper Source has ever made. And despite my love of bookstores (Man, I miss Borders!) everything else comes from Amazon.

8.  At home, how do you divide up chores? Theoretically, the inside chores are mine, and the outside chores are Mike’s. Realistically, there are piles of dogs hair I need to vacuum like, yesterday, and Mike despises cutting the grass. Most people always tell us how clean our house is (I can hear my mother laughing hysterically…) but that’s because when we have people over, I clean like a mad woman. If you just stopped by for a surprise visit, you’d be less impressed.

9.  Coffee or tea? milk, sugar, lemon?  Both, with milk and sugar (or, really, Splenda — which I feel like is sort of poison? So I don’t know if I should still use it. But sugar will only make me fatter. But then, I don’t know a lot of skinny people who exclusively use Splenda either. I guess I should just learn to drink coffee and tea without it…)

10.  When you need retail therapy, what do you buy typically?  When I had a 9-5 job? Shoes. Man, I love shoes. I haven’t bought a new pair of shoes in over a year. I rode out my unemployment in Uggs and flip flops. I’m also a sucker for the $5 DVD bin. I love movies. I have more movies than we will ever watch. But for now all of our extra cash is funneled into the baby-making process.

11.  You’re late and basically throwing on clothes as you run out the door– name three makeup essentials that get you from barefaced to presentable, all applied at stoplights of course.  Mineral powder, tinted Burt’s Bees, and some eyebrow pencil. Not, like Mommy Dearest, or anything — just enough to fill things in and class up the joint.

As for my 11 nominees, and my questions — I’ll have to give that some thought.

Thank you, Georgette, for the nomination!

Survey Thursday v.10

Original Post Date:  July 17, 2008
(2008 status — Dating Mike, practically living together, still completely smitten)

Beer:

Is good. It’s better though when someone else is buying.

McDonald’s:
Is cheap. And delicious. Just like your mom.
(True, and true.)


Relationships:

Can be great. Or hilarious. Or hilariously bad.
(When I met Mike, I knew pretty quickly that I was going to marry him. That was, and is, a great relationship. Before I met him — I dated a lot. And a lot of those dates/mini-relationships were hilarious AND terrible. One guy wouldn’t let me touch anything in his house. Another very condescendingly told me how to boil water to make pasta. Another insisted eating PB&J was disgusting and “American.” One cried too much.  One never, ever, touched me after four dates, and another one seemed intent on date-raping me. One took me to dinner, and our waitress was some girl he lived with in college, and they spent the whole night making googly eyes at each other. One had far less hair than his pictures suggested. And another one asked me if I drank a lot of coffee, because my teeth looked stained. All the single ladies? I wish you luck.)

Purple:
Is a little gay, but not in a bad way. I love anything gay.
(I really, really do.)

Power Rangers:
Were Japanese? Which means they would have hated me and Kristina.
(So… Since this is the last Survey Thursday, I feel like I should tell you a story. I think I’ve mentioned before that Asian people have a tendency to yell at my best friend. And that I may have accidentally insulted Asians everywhere in front of a room full of Asian bystanders. And by “may have,” I mean I certainly did. See, my bff Matt is a director — and a few years ago I went to see one of his shows with our other bff Kristina. Matt’s parents were also there, and it was the first time I’d met them. After the show, we went out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant with his parents, one of the actresses, her gay boyfriend and her parents.

Katie Holmes had recently married Tom Cruise, and given birth to Suri. Remember when they got married, and he was jumping on couches and making an ass out of himself? And a lot of people thought that it was all a publicity stunt? Yeah, I was one of those people. I had another theory, that Suri wasn’t his baby, either. I felt pretty strongly that she was really Chris Klein’s baby OR they bought her on the black market or something — I was basing this on the fact that this alleged baby was never seen for months. And I thought she looked a little Asian in her baby pictures.I love a good conspiracy. Anyway.

I was very animatedly explaining my suspicions to the entire table. Kind of loudly, because the restaurant was loud. I was really driving the point home. “Not his baby.” “Isn’t he sterile, or something?” “She’s been brainwashed.” “They bought that baby, I’m telling you.”

I was really on a roll, too — about how the baby didn’t really look like either of them, and how she had, what I considered to be, a little case of Asian face. And then three things happened, simultaneously. 1) the restaurant was suddenly silent, and I was still yelling, 2) seven Asian waitresses appeared OUT OF NOWHERE with our food, and 3) I yelled the words “Stupid Asian Face.” It was awkward, to say the least. I swear, it was in slow motion. I mean, there was a stunned silence in the whole place, with the exception of Matt, who could not stop laughing.)

Cell Phone:
Was a necessary evil…until I downloaded Chuzzle. Now it’s my favorite thing.
(I’m not sure how I survived without an iPhone.)

Steroids:
Make your face fat, and your balls tiny. So I hear.

Cartoons:
Should have more nudity.

The President:
Almost choked on a pretzel once! Hahaha!

Tupperware:
Is excellent for catching drips from leaky pipes.

Texas:
Is precisely how you’d imagine it.
(Hot. Full of Texans. Great Mexican food.)

Hawaii:
Is covered in pineapples, I’d imagine.
(Right?)

Halloween:
Should happen more often – at least quarterly.

Alcohol:
Has so many uses!! And causes so many hilarious situations/pregnancies!!

Clowns:
Are like a poor man’s magician.
(Unless we’re talking about Fizbo, in which case, I’m on board.)

Paris:
France? Pretty and delicious, from what I remember.
Hilton? She’s like an illiterate, blonde Sasquatch.

Redheads:
Are usually crazy.
(You know it’s true, Gouch!)

Blondes:
Are usually not really blonde.

Brunettes:
Are better than everyone else, really.
(Let’s be honest.)

Pass:
Whatever that is that has bacon in it, please. Thank you.
(Seconds, please.)

One night stands:
Happen to the best of us. But usually to the worst of us.

Neverland:
Would be better off without that bothersome Captain Hook.

Dixie Chicks:
Are communists, according to my father. But then, so am I.

Vanilla ice cream:
Is better mixed with, or dipped in something.

High School:
Was foreevvvver ago.

Pajamas:
I gave those up 15 years ago.

Wet Socks:
Are gross, and why I change for the gym at work.

Wet feet:
Are either really clean, or really, really dirty.

Break ups:
Usually happen for a reason. A good reason.

Music:
Leads to dancing in my house.
(And the grocery store, and my office, and wherever else I happen to be when I hear it.)

Friends:
Are hilarious. At least, all my friends are.

Survey Thursday v.9

Original Post Date: June 11, 2008
(2008 status — Dating Mike for three weeks, the smittenest of smitten)

Do you want to have a boyfriend this summer?

Yes. Which is good, because I already do. Allegedly, he’ll still be here in the fall.
(He was.  He still is.)


Who was the last person you fell asleep with?

Mike – we had a sleepover. Again. We do that a lot.

Are you a morning person or a night person?
A night person, fo sho.
(So, when we started dating, Mike was a crazy morning person.  If he woke up at 5 a.m. to pee, he’d just stay up, and start working, or playing computer games or something. And he always fell asleep before I did.  Always.  I’m not sure when that stopped, but now, every night, I fall asleep while he watches old Star Trek episodes on the iPad, and he is the grumpiest of grumpy-pants in the morning.  I think he’s worse than me. My mother and former roommates can verify that that is super-grumpy.)

What would you do if you opened up your front door to a dead person?
Like, a zombie? Or a corpse? Because my reactions to either would be drastically different…
(Corpse? Quick assessment. 1) Do we need to hide the body? Or are we in the clear? 2) Are we being framed? 3) Where is their wallet? Ok, call the police OR find an old rug we don’t care about. Zombies? 1) Hope for slow-moving Shaun of the Dead zombies, and not Zombieland zombies. 2) Get the pointy shovel from the garage and Mike’s golf clubs. 3) Destroy zombies, like this:

 

Who’s bed did you last sleep in?
Mike’s – hence the aforementioned sleepover.
(Mike & I started dating right before summer — so after a few weeks, I sort of moved in.  He had central air, and my house was like an oven. Also, to say his house needed a woman’s touch would be an understatement.)

Where is the next place you will travel to?
Um…possibly Gettysburg on Father’s Day. OC in August for sure.
(Family vacation update:  15 days!!  Get your game faces on, family. Cooooofeeeeee Table!)

Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s underwear?
I live in wifebeaters. Does that count?

Have you cried today at all?
No, but I was cranky pants this morning when I had to get up for work.

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
Still sleeping.  Oops!

Do you say sexy a lot?
I tend to refer to things and their lack of sexiness.
(For example, things that are not sexy:  the words “panties” and “coochy,” getting in or out of a hammock, going out to lunch and sitting outside — and then realizing you forgot to put on deodorant, or seeing your boss without his shirt on.)

When was the last time you had a sleepover?
Last night!

Do you want to get married & have children one day?
Yes, and yes.
(Speaking of babies — in addition to all the appointments and tests we’re paying for, and which don’t count towards our deductible, I got a speeding ticket on my way to the doctor the other day. I’m adding it to the baby’s tab.)

Favorite colors?
Green

What was the last thing you bought?
Food? Clothes? I can’t remember.

Where do you keep your money?
In a box in the toilet tank, just like in Pretty Woman.

What is the weather like today?
Hot, but not like balls hot.
(Today?  It really is balls hot out there.  Someone needs to punch Mother Nature in the face.)

Where are your parents?
They better be working. One day they’re going to have grandkids to buy things for.

What do you want for Christmas?
A puppy.
(I got one!)

Do you like to eat ice-cream?
Um, Yes. I would eat ice cream every day.
(Especially on days as hot as this.)

When do you go to sleep?
Bedtime! Burn!

Who was the last person of the opposite sex that you talked to?
Mark, in my office. I offered to help him change the water bottle thingy, but then I said I was just being polite, and I didn’t really want to.

Do you have empty bottles of alcohol hidden somewhere?
I wouldn’t call strewn about my cubicle floor hidden, necessarily.

Are you over the age of 25?
I am. I am also over the age of 26.
(… and now I’m officially over the age of 30.  Which means I’m old, but my mom is even older.)

Are you typically a jealous person?
No. OK, Yes. I was lying before.

Own bright colored underwear?
Yes. Although, it’s also edible.

What was the best movie you have seen in the past two weeks?
Sex and the City.  Shoes?! Nudity?! Marital drama?!  Yes, please.
(I’m finally going to see Harry Potter today!! And I already know it will be the best movie I’ve seen in the past two weeks.  Also, since the last time I went to see Harry Potter.)

Do you have strange dreams?
Constantly.

What are you listening to?
People talking about pizza. I want to run over there and steal it from them, then run down the stairs laughing maniacally and then eat the whole thing in my car.
(The hum of the air conditioning.  Also, now I want a pizza.)

Do you currently miss someone?
I miss your dad a little.

Three feelings at the moment?
Smitten, smietest, smytst.

Do you like your mom?
I like YOUR mom.
(I do like my mom, in case you were really wondering.)

Name someone with the same b-day as you?
LL Cool J. True story. Look it up.

What are your plans for tonight?
Gym, groceries, cleaning and organizing. It’s going to be a very domestic night.
(Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Harry Potter!)

If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Can I take everyone with me? Well, not everyone, but the people I like? Then yes.
(I’m not allowed to move more than 30 miles away from my mother. It sounds like a joke, right? because she loves me so much?  She’s serious though.  She told Mike that about 30 seconds after he proposed.)

Do you know if anyone likes you?
Bubz does. He told me so 158 times yesterday.
(He liked it so much, he put a ring on it, like seven months later.) 

Survey Thursday v.8

Original Post Date: May 1, 2008
(2008 status:  Two weeks before I met Husbang Mike, and dating another guy named Mike, and boozin it up all over town — usually with Megan.)

If you could be one celebrity for one day, who would it be?
I’d be Ryan Reynolds – I’d just stand around naked in front of a mirror touching myself.

Why?
So I’d know what it’s like to rub a naked Ryan Reynolds for hours on end, hello.

Sorry, honey.  Also, you’re welcome, ladies.

How about just one of your friends?
Kristina.

Why?
The exact same reason.

In your opinion, what is the worst song ever written?
Whatever that song is that makes Kristina vomit. Circa 2002. We can’t remember what it is, but we know it’s terrible.
(We still can’t remember that stupid song.  All I know is one night it came on the radio in her bf’s car, and she made him pull over so she could puke.  I would do anything to remember what it was. Mainly so I could play it every time I saw her.  I’m a really good friend.)

What about the best?
I love too many to choose.

Tell your worst hospital experience?
There was an incident with a knee surgery and an inept anesthesiologist. I wanted to kill that guy.
(Worst. Day. Ever.  And the reason I hate needles so much. A close second would be the one and only time I’ve ever needed stitches. I cut the side of my pinky almost all the way off while I was making my wedding invitations with an xacto knife. After waiting around the ER for hours, they took me back and injected my hand with something to numb it, so they could sew it up. That shot made me want to just cut my pinky off.  It was the biggest needle I’ve ever seen — it went through my finger. And it burned.  Like, enough that I’d rather spend the rest of my life less one finger.)

Who is the most overrated author you know of?
Judy Blume.
(2011 Ashley would not jokingly list poor Judy Blume, who I adored in my youth, but would seriously list Stephenie Meyer. I know, people love Twilight. And yes, I read them, to see what all the fuss was about — but the whole time I wanted to find her, and her editor, and punch them in their faces. And I’m not the only one.)

If you could get any tattoo, any size, where would it be and what would it be?
I’d get your face, on my face.

What piercing do you wish you could get away with?
I wish it was considered professional to have a nose ring. I look adorable with a nose ring. I’d have one again in a heartbeat.
(2011 Ashley disagrees.  Everybody AND their mommas have nose rings now.)

If you could pick a song to describe your life what would it be?
Probably Mmmmbop.
(Seriously, Google the lyrics.  “Ba duba dop, Ba du bop, ba duba dop, Ba du bop, ba duba dop, Ba du, yeah.” That shit is deep.)

If you could be a superhero which one would you be?
Batman, hold the daddy issues.
(I love vigilantes!)

If you were invisible would you do good or bad things?
Very, very bad things.
(Still true.)

Is there any good reason a person should be “allowed” to cheat, if so what?
Not really, no. Unless you really want to make out with someone and your bf/gf won’t let you. Then what other alternative do you have?
(Jokes!  I heart monogamy!)

If you could look like a person you know personally who would it be?
I feel like I know myself pretty well – I’ll keep this face, thanks.
(What? I’m pretty.)

Would you ever go to a fortune teller?
I’ve been. Apparently I’m going to die when I’m 79 or 97. She couldn’t be sure.

If you had the chance to live forever would you?
Nah.  Didn’t you see Death Becomes Her?

If you could be of another race which one would you choose?
Asian, definitely. But then I’d have to hate Kristina.
(So, a few things.  Asian people hate my best friend.  At least, it seems that way.  They always end up screaming at her about something — usually food.  Also, there was one time, I accidentally and unintentionally insulted Asian people everywhere, in the middle of an Asian restaurant, surrounded by Asian people.  It was very, very awkward.)

What crime would you do that would most likely send you to prison for life?
Some sort of elaborate heist, I’m sure. But I’d never get caught.
(It’s true.  I love heist movies.  I really think I’ve seen enough of them, that if I had the right crew, I could totally get away with it. The scary part is, I feel like I know enough people with questionable ethics that this could actually happen one day.)

What is the ugliest name you’ve ever heard?
Benjamin Linus.
(Geh!)

Tell us the funniest joke you know?
What’s brown and sticky?
(A stick!)

What is one thing you regret buying?
That bulk box of cock rings.
(Joking, mom.)

If you were Britney Spears what would you do?
Invest. And stop wearing wigs.
(2011 Ashley says, “Maybe take a dance class, Brit Brit?  Brush up on some things?”)

What do you think is the most important invention created in your life time?
DVR!

What is the best way to spend a day?
At the beach, drink in hand, cabana boy waiting patiently to service you.
(Word!)

Three words other people would use to describe you?
Loud. Funny. Boobs.

What do you think you will be remembered for after you die?
Pantsless dancing – both indoor and outdoor.
(It’s a gift.)

What is your favorite reality show?
Project Runway!
(Remember when Project Runway was new, and good?!  I miss that.  I don’t even watch it anymore.)

What is your dream job?
Overpaid photographer.
(Update: Lottery winner.)

Do you own your own pet?
No, but I’m going to get on that sooner or later.
(Done and done.) 

Are you easily annoyed?
Yes! And I’m dating a loud gum chewer. It could be his downfall.
(I don’t remember Old Mike loudly chewing gum.  But I guess that’s why I ended up with New Mike.)

If you could re-live a day in your life, what would it be?
The day we went to San Diego & La Jolla.
(I know it’s super corny, but I’d really love to Groundhog Day my wedding.  It went by so fast!  And once I figured out how to pee in that fancy dress, I would’ve had more to drink.)

Why?
It was a really good day. I was drunk by noon. Near the beach.
(La Jolla, not the wedding…  I was sober for the wedding — mainly because I was afraid I’d have to pee — and we were surrounded by a blizzard, not sand.)

If you could try any drug, without consequences what would it be?
Life. I’m high on life, bitches.

Why?
I hear it’s a gateway drug.

Survey Thursday v.7

Original Post Date: Apr 16, 2008
(2008 status — still super single, and about to throw in the dating-towel)

Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
I’ve considered completely opening up to certain people, only to find out I didn’t have all the information I should’ve had. Then I usually get confused and kick something. Like said person.
(True story — around this time, I was talking to a guy who was feeding me every line under the sun, and I was falling for it like a sucker.  A sucker!  And then one night he casually mentions how he needs to get up early to pick up his girlfriend from the bus stop.  The who from the what now?! Donezo.  And then he kept calling me!  I hated dating.)

Who is the closest person near you?
One of my work boyfriends.
(This still applies, but it’s a different work boyfriend.  Technically, he’s my work husband, because we’ve been together since 2004.)

What does your 8th text say?
“So sweet.”
(Now?  “Centy for short.”  I found out a few days ago my ex is having a baby.  Well, he’s not, but his wife is.  And the competitive part of me briefly kicked into high gear, but then I got over it in about two seconds, because his baby is destined to have a rattail. Also, my bff Kristina was quick to point out that my baby(ies) will be the event of the century.  So we decided I should name my future first born either Centurius or Centurline.)

Is there anyone you trust even though you shouldn’t?
There are people I know can only be trusted with some information. So they usually get the abridged versions of things.
(I call these people, “my relatives,” or “my employers,” haha.)

If you could change your name to anything what would it be?
Princess Consuela Banana Hammock.
(First name: Crap!  Last name: Bag!)

Are you afraid of falling in love?
No, I sort of welcome the opportunity. Unless it’s unrequited love, in which case I can’t handle it.
(Foreshadowing!)

Favorite Juice?
Apple. But I don’t drink juice.
(I was still knee-deep in my sugar-is-evil phase.  I was also skinny.  So, perhaps I should revisit that state-of-mind.)

Have you had the chicken pox?
Yes! I remember oatmeal baths and being really itchy. It was great.

Are you talking to someone while doing this?
Nope, but I’m listening to everyone. I’m very nosy.
(It’s genetic.  You think I’m listening to music on these headphones?  Nope, I’m totally spying on you.)

What school plays were you part of in elementary school?
Ah, well, in first grade, I was Mother Goose. That’s how I met Lo – she was my goose, and we fought over a prop garden hoe. On stage. In front of an audience. Then in fifth grade I was the Ghost of Christmas Future. I didn’t have any lines – I was just the tallest kid in school, so I was the scariest in costume.
(And I was ahhhmazing in both, athank you.)

Do you think it would be more fun to model or be in a photoshoot?
Oooh. A photoshoot, only because I’d probably fall on the runway. Super-high heels and I do not get along.
(I prefer wedges to proper heels anyway, because they’re cute and comfortable, but Mike despises them.  Actually, he hates most of my shoes.)

Do you like winter?
I like things that accompany winter – like hot chocolate, scarves, sledding, Christmas presents and my birthday.
(We can add, blizzards, sweatpants, and my wedding anniversary to that list.)

How clean is your room?
There might be one or seven things scattered on the floor. But it’s not too bad. It is incredibly dusty though, as I refuse to dust unless I know my mom/grandma are coming over.
(Right now, our room is clean, and dusted, and vacuumed.  But only because there were 30 people at our house less than a week ago.)

What are you excited for?
NYC, Waldorf-Astoria, Serendipity 3, The Carnegie Deli, quality gay bf time.
(Our weekend in NYC cost a small fortune, and equalled like 48,000 calories.  But it was worth it.)


What color is your couch?
I have three couches, which might seem excessive for a single girl, who lives alone… One is beige, one is Ikea blue, and one is a greenish plaid.
(Now we only own two — the same beige one, which is always covered with a quilt, because beige fabric + dogs = frowny face, and the other one is a brown/grey situation, which is also always covered, because dog hair gets everywhere, and I hate it.  But I love the dogs.  So I compromise.)

Do you currently want to scream at the top of your lungs?
No, my throat hurts. I’m battling some sort of plague.

Favorite ice cream flavor?
Coffee or Mint Chocolate Chip. And now my sore throat is requiring ice cream.
(I had a dream last night about a restaurant that sold hotdogs on one side of the room, and all-you-can-eat ice cream on the other side.  It was delicious.  Also, I was there for some sort of drug deal, but all I wanted was to get it over with, so I could get to the ice cream side before it closed.  I’ve been watching Weeds.  And eating leftovers.  This is what happens when you combine those two things.)

Do you think extensions look skanky?
I think mine look pretty good.

Do you know anyone in jail/prison?
I know someone the police are currently looking for.  But doesn’t everyone?
(The manhunt is over.)

What are your plans for the weekend?
I’ll be house/dog sitting until Saturday. If the weather is nice, I’m going to go take some pictures – and Sunday I have a date to hate the Yankees with Julie K.
(This weekend, for the first time in forever, we don’t have anything to do!  I hope the weather is nice, so we can pool it up.)

Do you like the color green?
It’s only, like, my favorite, survey.

What is something you’d like for your birthday?
A puppy. Or a huge wheel of Swiss cheese. Or a fake wheel of cheese with a puppy hidden inside.
(This is still 100% accurate.)

What book are you reading right now?
The Complete Persepolis – but it’s sort of on hiatus at the moment.
(It’s still on hiatus, haha.  But I did just read the Hunger Games trilogy.  And The Help.  And Bossypants.  And I reread The Undomestic Goddess.  And Dead to the World, in preparation for True Blood.  But I need some summer reading suggestions, please?  Anyone?)

Ever driven into the ghetto to buy drugs?
No, I had the hookup if I was ever so inclined.

Do you hate someone?
There are some people, who if given the opportunity, I would punch square in the face.
(Mmmhmmmm.)

Favorite kind of candy?
Dark Chocolate.
(I like my candy, like I like my men.  So, really the answer should be “Nerds.”)

Survey Thursday v.6

Original Post Date: April 11, 2008
(2008 status — playing the field, like a pro)

What is your favorite movie?
I love American Beauty, because it reminds me to live my life to the fullest. Also, it reminds me that if your closeted gay neighbor makes a move on you, to just go with it, or else they might shoot you in your kitchen.
(Excellent advice.)

Name two things that make you angry.
Text-messaging in terms of dating, and pretty much dating in general. It’s confusing and awkward.
(Dating is really, really awful.  I’m glad I got married. True story — before I met Mike, one of the guys I was talking to asked me out on the creepiest first date, ever.  He was a “lawyer,” only not really.  Thanks to gmail, and my tendency to save things for no reason – I have the original emails he sent me. He did, allegedly, graduate from law school – but then opted to skip taking the bar exam – hence the very unoriginal nickname.

It went like this:

Lawyer: “A few questions. What would you be interested in doing? Would you be interested in coming into Baltimore and going out on the town or would you just rather start off with something a little smaller?”

Me: “I’d pretty much be up for anything — I guess that depends on your definition of a night on the town. If that consists of food, and general entertainment, then I’m game. If it consists of robbery or hiding a body somewhere, then I’ll have to think about it some more.”

Lawyer: “By a night out on the town i meant going out how i normally would on a Friday/Saturday night. I will admit that when i drink and do get drunk. Some people dont think that should happen on a first date. If you are one of them then we could just meet up for a drink or two or something.”

Ummmm…

Lawyer: “Hey, i never heard back from you. If you still want to get together this weekend, i was thinking you could meet me at my place, then we can take a cab down to Federal Hill.  That way we don’t have to find parking, and if you drink too much you can just stay at my place.”

Which, I’m pretty sure means, “I’m going to put roofies in your drink as soon as you go to the bathroom — then lure you home with my legal mumbo jumbo.” Clearly, I opted not to go out with him – aside from the possible date rape, his capitalization skills were sub par.)

Do you secretly love someone?
Everyone I “secretly” love always knows that I’m in love with them. Probably because I do a horrible job of playing it cool around them. Also, I tend to get drunk and then tell them that I love them, so there’s that.
(You know what I love right now?  This.)

Favorite time of day?
Around 4pm – because I know I get to leave work soon.
(Now?  I get to leave work everyday at 1:30. It’s awesome. Except for the whole getting laid off thing.)

Favorite food?
Some sort of cheesy, bacony thing. Pretty much anything covered in one or both of those two things. Like, a kitten wrapped in cheese & bacon? Delicious.

How many times a day do you talk on the phone?
Not that many – but I’ll talk for hours at a time, especially if Kristina, Matt, or Kristin are involved.

Is your #1 on your profile your best friend or romantic interest?
Yes. And yes. He is my bestest, gayest, prettiest lover/best friend.
(And one day, when we grew up, he was my Man of Honor.)


Do you prefer cold or warm weather?
Warm, not hot. Like, yesterday was perfection as far as I’m concerned.
(Oddly enough, yesterday was also perfection.  The pool was warm, and the sun was out, and it wasn’t balls hot outside.)

How do you feel about homosexuals?
I try to feel homosexuals as much as possible.
(See above.)

When is it okay to hit another person, or is it ever?
It is ok to hit someone if: you said something funny, and it adds emphasis; they have something you want; they took something you had; you catch them sleeping with someone else; you can get away with it.
(This morning while I was getting dressed, my arm got caught in my sleeve, and when I finally got free, I accidentally punched myself in the chin. In case you wanted to know who the last person I hit was.)

Do you hate anyone?
I kind of hate Rachael Ray. I also hate Ann Coulter.

Are you a virgin?
I was once. About a decade ago.
(I’m so, so old.)
(Also, sorry, Mom.)
(… and Grandma.)

Have you ever hit someone in anger you were in a relationship with?
When we dated in high school, I once hit Gary in the head with a cordless phone. But anyone who knows Gary must know that he had it coming.
(He did.  Later, when we dated as adults, I also threw a cordless phone at him.  We were a great couple.  Also, a corded phone would have been funnier.)

Have you ever been in love with someone who didn’t love you?
Yes, and it is the worst feeling in the world. Except for maybe a UTI.
(Yes, and yeeeessss.)