Infertility Announcements

These people just made my day. 

I’m having a hard time picking my favorite — it’s a toss-up between the pizza box or the scrabble tiles. 

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The Baby Needs String. 

I talk in my sleep.

Sometimes I wake Mike up, and have a whole conversation with him before one or both of us realizes I’m sleeping, and we I have a good laugh, and we go back to sleep.

I rarely remember what I said. I usually just wake up in the morning with a vague recollection of having been awake, and laughing about something, or Mike asking me some follow-up questions, and then he gets to tell me what happened.

On extremely rare occasions (like, I can count the number of times it’s happened on one hand), I get out of bed, or I sit up, or I throw something, etc. before I realize I’m dreaming.

Unfortunately for Mike, last night, was one of those nights.

I woke up this morning, with the vague memory I’d tried to explain something to Mike, but was doing a terrible job getting my point across. Mike was already in the shower, so I went into our bathroom for confirmation.

“Do you remember what you did to me last night?” he asked me, right away.

“I remember trying to tell you something, and laughing,” I said. “Was it bad?”

“Well, at 2 a.m., I woke up, because you reached over and pulled my hand toward you and said, ‘The baby needs string!’ And when I was like, ‘huh?!’ you said, ‘The baby needs string. For the MACHINE.'”

“I asked you if you were asleep, and you just started laughing and said, ‘Yes. AND SO ARE YOU!’ and then you let go of my hand, and went back to sleep.”

Just take a second and imagine you’re sound asleep, and someone sloowwwwwly takes your hand and starts pulling it towards them.

My poor husband. Good thing he has a sense of humor, and knows what to expect after all these years.

The Best Kind of Viral

If we’re not already Facebook friends (Why aren’t we? We should be, come find me!) then maybe you haven’t seen what I’m about to show you.

Or, maybe you have, since it’s gone viral.

My friend Priscilla’s husband Eric has been sending her Dubsmash videos for the last year, featuring their one-year-old son, Jack – and the compilation video they posted for friends and family was just picked up by Scary Mommy and The Today Show.

I’ll spare you the back-story (read the articles!) but if you do nothing else, watch the video. It’s so, so, hilarious.

Recipes, Ryan Reynolds, and Randomness

The other night (when I should’ve been sleeping, because the baby was sleeping, and that’s what you’re supposed to do!) I got sucked into a vortex of blog stats, and started reading the top google (etc.) searches that people used to find/stumble upon me and my story.

I was happy to see that the majority of people ended up here because of my Almond Flour Pizza Crust (which is delicious!, and gluten free!, and low carb! You should try it.)

I was surprised to see almost everyone else was looking for ways to curl their hair with a headband/sock bun/no heat, which I literally tried once (and failed) THREE years ago.

Other popular searches were for good Gluten Free Fried Rice and Copycat Cosi Tomato Basil Soup recipes, and mine are pretty good, if I do say so myself.

The rest of the searches though? They were a mixed bag of totally random, and WTF.

For example.

My BFFs Full Name — I thought, well, that’s weird. Why would looking for my Bestie bring you here? I don’t think I’ve ever even used her full name. So I did a search to see what happened, and almost every google image result was a picture …of me?! And one of our friend Kelly, holding a giant fish. Ummmm. Ok. Obviously we’ve spent so much time together the Internet has decided we’re the same person.

“Tom Selleck Three Men and a Baby” — Obviously, if this is what you’re searching the Internet for, we should get to know each other better. Handsome men, in short shorts, and that stache! Yes, please. I hope you found what you were looking for.

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“Pigs Humping” — Now, to be fair, Mike and I DO have a set of S&P shakers from Jamaica in the shape of humping pigs (because they’re hilarious, and when you find something like that, you do not hesitate to buy them for everyone you know.) Unfortunately I don’t think that’s what this person was looking for.

“Ice Skating Shoes” — 1) They’re not called that, and 2) You came to the wrrrroooong place if you want advice about ice skating, other than, never, ever, try to ice skate (you’re welcome).

“Hammocks” — A little generic, sure, but I love a hammock as much as the next girl. Unfortunately my claim to fame involves going ass over teacup into the sand in front of all my coworkers.

“Babies with Muscle Men” — Sorry, friend. That’s just weird.

“Hot Date Tonight” — Good for you! I hope you didn’t come here looking for inspiration, unless you and your significant other are really into ordering Chinese food and watching a SVU marathon.

“PMS jokes” — This had to be a man. Women already know that 1) you better not joke about that shit, and 2) all the really good jokes.

“Ryan Reynolds Naked” — We have SO MUCH in common, my friend. And the Internet just keeps letting us down, right? Believe me, if I could help, I would.

And the weirdest, and my personal favorite:

“Boy Crutching with Hard Leg Cast Next to Doctor” — I don’t even know how to respond. But I’m certain they didn’t find what they were looking for.

Another Stellar Visit to Walmart

While not as infuriating as last time, I begrudgingly went back to walmart today to pick up some more photos.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t have gone back (I can hold a grudge for a loooong time) but I forgot about a little Father’s Day project I had planned, and they can do square prints (which I needed) in an hour.

So I ordered them online, got an order confirmation and then a text and an email confirmation when they were ready to pick up.

“I’m picking up an online order,” I say to one of the employees behind the photo counter.

He asks for my last name, and tells me there aren’t any orders under that name. Can I spell it again.

I do.

Same thing.

We do this four times.

Then he tries searching under my first and last name. Same thing.

He calls another employee over to help.

“I have a text and an email that they’re ready. Do you want the order number?” I ask.

They search for the order number, twice, also unsuccessfully.

“Did you order pictures?” They ask me.

“Ummmmm, yes,” I say, giving the giant PHOTO sign overhead a second glance, making sure I’m not somehow standing in the grocery section.

“Oh, THAT’S why you can’t find them,” she says, like I’m an idiot. (Because that makes so much sense!)

And then walks over to a cabinet, and hands me my photos.

And magically they were $2 cheaper than they were supposed to be, so I hightailed it outta there.

An Impossible Decision

My husband likes to throw random scenarios, would-you-rathers, and quick!-who-do-you-picks at me all the time.

Once he asked me to choose between Eric Northman and Sawyer from Lost. That was a tough day.

But tonight — tonight, he crossed a line.

Young Tom Hanks.
Young Steve Martin.
Young Chevy Chase.

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And it’s not a would-you-rather.

I can only pick one.

After a lot of soul-searching — for me — it’s always going to be that silver fox, Steve.

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