Sixteen Going on Seventeen

This year was not my best. It was stressful, and disappointing, and scary and heartbreaking from time to time. But we laughed a lot, and had a lot of fun too (when I wasn’t sobbing).

It sort of reminds me of these photos, which are some of my favorites from this year. They look good, but really, each one was taken in the midst of a disaster.

In the first one, our trip to the train museum was a makeup trip from the week before when Gus threw up on everything (and everyone) in our car.

The second one was taken in the middle of a full-on meltdown/refusal to participate in a class I’d already paid for, and that – up until that very second – he used to love.

The third was taken after I spent the morning packing a cooler, and a beach bag, and slathering lotion on everyone, and hauling 25 pounds of stuff down to the beach, and 15 minutes later he was like, let’s go to the pool, I hate it here.

So I try to remember that sometimes annoying things happen, and you’ll be stressed and frustrated and tired, but something good can still come out of it. (At least as long as you’re willing to let your toddler wander fairly far away from you, and you happen to be holding a camera).

I hope that everyone has a happy(ier) and healthy(ier) 2017

Advertisements

Recovering

I’ve been out of the hospital for just over a week now, and I’m slowly getting better.

Somewhat ironically, the best way to describe how I feel now would be to compare it to morning (mourning, now, more like it) sickness.

I can’t eat much. When I do eat, nothing sounds very appealing. After I eat, I occasionally regret it.

It’s not pain, so much as never-ending queasiness.

But I lied, because there’s also pain. One of my doctors explained it best, I think, when she compared pancreatitis to having your body fill up with leaking battery acid. My back aches most of the day, so I stay glued to a bottle of Advil and a heating pad, and there a small area along my abdomen that feels numb, tingly, and sort of dead.

And I haven’t figured out why, or how, but every night, between 4-6 a.m., I wake up totally nauseous and unable to fall back asleep.

It’s a real pretty picture, isn’t it?

I miss just feeling normal. Not even good — just normal. Just going to bed and waking up in the morning. Or grabbing any food and eating it without being terrified of how my body will react.

So, I’m nowhere near 100% yet, but I’m so much better than I was a week, and two weeks ago, it’s insane.

Emotionally, I’m a dumpster fire.

The initial relief of finding out I’m not allowed to do any more rounds of IVF has been replaced by heart wrenching grief that we’ll never have another child. And then I feel guilty, because I have Gus, and he’s perfect, and I shouldn’t be greedy. And then Gus wraps himself around me and tells me how much he loves me, and oh boy, here come the waterworks again.

And then people tell me they’d carry a baby for me, and I think ok yes! but also, how in the world can you ask someone to do such a huge favor? And I pepper my friends with adopted brothers and sisters with overly personal questions. And then I wonder if I can try again, without estrogen? Is that even a thing? And then I get exhausted, and cry some more, and can’t think about it anymore.

See? Dumpster fire.

Silver lining? Between my two hospitalizations in November, and the limited recovery diet/forced starvation treatment for pancreatitis, I’ve lost almost 25 pounds, and counting.

So it’s not all bad.

Master Bath Remodel

A few weeks ago we redid our very dated and uneven foyer floor, as part of our Things To Do Before We Sell The House checklist.

Alternatively known as the, God We’re Lazy: Why Didn’t We Do That Five Years Ago?! list.

That’s what I hate about the moving and buying/selling real estate process. You finally fix up all the little things you said you would, only to move, and someone else gets to enjoy it (or rip it out and start over again).

At least this time we’re moving into a brand new house, so I (hopefully) won’t have to update anything for a while.

The last two weeks our (teeny tiny*) master bath has been under construction.

It’s still teeny tiny, but at least everything is new and shiny, and perfect, and I can’t stop staring at it.

2015/02/img_1681.jpg
2015/02/img_1682.jpg
2015/02/img_1683.jpg
2015/02/img_1684.jpg
2015/02/img_1685.jpg

*excluding the shower our bathroom is about 20 square feet. Once you add a sink and a toilet, there isn’t much room for two people. Is it the smallest bathroom in the world? No. But now, at least, it’s the prettiest.

New House Chronicles: Bye Bye Trees

We’re in the process of building a new house, which I haven’t talked a lot about, only because it wasn’t officially set in stone.

But now?

2015/02/img_1628.jpg

Now, it’s official.

We periodically drive through our new neighborhood (which is only about five minutes away from our current house) to watch the other houses come together, and see if any of the neighboring lots have been sold.

Usually our lot is just sitting there, minding it’s own business, covered in trees.

Until last week!

We drove by last Saturday and noticed they’ve stared clearing some of the trees.

Now, before you’re like, but trees! nature! Mother Nature must be weeping!

They’re only clearing about a third of the lot, and the rest of the trees are all protected by forest conservation, and can never, ever, be cut down.

2015/02/img_1627.jpg

Initially, from the car, it sort of looked like maybe a dozen or so trees? I snapped a quick picture, since Gus was sleeping in the back, and we headed home.

2015/02/img_1532.jpg

The next day, while Gus was with his grandparents, Mike and I went back and walked around on the lot.

1) It was more than a dozen trees.
2) I’m terrible at estimating things like that.
3) See that little stack of tree trunks, off to the right? Here’s a closer shot, with Mike posing for some perspective.

2015/02/img_1565-0.jpg

We’re scheduled to break ground in another week or two, and I’m excited to watch our new (and last!) house come together over the next few months!