I Blame The Hormones

Before I was pregnant, you could say I was… spirited.

Or, if we’re being honest with each other, “combative.” That’s the less polite, but more accurate description. I’m not exaggerating. I was once described that way during an annual performance review. But I still got a raise, so whatever.

I’ve always had a theory that when ladies are pregnant with girls, they get even crazier. I think it’s all those extra lady hormones. So it’s a miracle, and a blessing for humanity really, that I’m having a boy.

Otherwise I would have set my local Walmart pharmacy on fire the other day.

I won’t bother you with the specifics. All you need to know is 1) I am smart, and 2) they are THE WORST.

Can I interest you in a list of other things that are pissing me off lately? All righty then!!

If I hear Blurred Lines or anything Macklemore-y one more time, I’m going to punch the first face I see.

If I never see a picture of Miley and her stupid giraffe tongue again, it will be too soon.

Why hasn’t someone invented a cookie that tastes like a real cookie, but is made out of vegetables?!

People on the street and in waiting rooms — I don’t want to hear you chew your gum. Ever. I am barely resisting the urge to remove it forcibly from your giant cow-mouth.

I somehow ended up with carpal tunnel syndrome. And by “somehow” I mean, I got pregnant and that just happens sometimes. Yowza, it hurts.

Now, some good news? OK!

My doctor told me its totally acceptable to eat whatever I want for, like, two weeks after the baby is born an my GD is gone. I asked her to write it down on a prescription pad so I had proof, because no doctor has ever said that to me in 32 years.

And last night I had a dream I was BFFs with Channing Tatum. He was going on a first date with Emily Mortimer (specifically as Phoebe in 30 Rock, because, OK my subconscious) an he was really nervous about it, so he asked me to come with them.

When we got to the restaurant they didn’t have a table for them, so I built one out of TV trays and a large piece of cardboard. Then I sat between them and ate all their food.

In summary, I’ll only be crazy for five more weeks. Then I’ll just be sleep deprived and a whole new sort of crazy, but at least I can eat a whole pizza if I want to. Doctor’s orders!


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