In a Perfect World

In a perfect world, I would have found a job by now. In a really perfect world, that job would be to sit at home, taste-testing cheesecake.

In a perfect world, we’d be able to afford to refinish our newly discovered hardwood floors. Or at least find some area rugs that fit our wonky hallway.

In a perfect world, I’d just get pregnant already, like everyone else I know. My friends are either super fertile, or amazingly irresponsible. I suspect they’re a little bit of both.

In a perfect world, those babies of mine would be so completely adorable and smart. I realize this is totally attainable, as I am extremely good looking, and brilliant.

In a perfect world, Alexander Skarsgard would live next door, and ask to use our pool when it was super hot outside. I would immediately lose 100 pounds, obviously.

In a perfect world, Ryan Reynolds would also be by our pool, as he would be my pool boy.

In a perfect world, all my friends would live in my neighborhood, and our houses would be connected by secret passageways. Like in Clue. Only, without all the murdering.

In a perfect world, Anderson Cooper would stop letting his audience members ask questions. Those people are the worst.

In a perfect world, Ellen Degeneres would give me a new car. Or just dance with me. I’m not picky at all.

In a perfect world, Dateline would be on all the time, 90210 would stop being horrible, Lost would come back on, and Sex and The City 2 would have never happened.

In a perfect world, we would win the lottery — which would be really impressive, since I never, ever buy lottery tickets. I need to do that, I guess.

In a perfect world, bacon would be really good for you. So would all desserts.

In a perfect world, our dogs could talk, because I feel like they’d be hilarious.

In a perfect world, Hogwarts would be real, but the Hunger Games would still be a few centuries away (because I think we all know it’s only a matter of time).

In a perfect world, I would not be terrified of ice skating. Or roller skating. Or bees.

In a perfect world, all the robots and machines that the Jetsons had would be real, and I’d have them.

In a perfect world, Mike would give in and let me get a baby goat. Or more puppies. Or all of the above.

In a perfect world, I would actually sleep at night! Unemployment is a gateway to insomnia, for a variety of reasons. Most of those reasons are naps.


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