I realize to a lot of people, being 31 isn’t really that old.
And I want to tell those people — I love you.
I don’t know about the rest of you — when someone references something that happened 10 years ago, I think that means 1997 — and that’s not really accurate.
Lately all signs are pointing (shouting, really) “Ashley, you’re a grownup! You need to moisturize, and floss! And maybe stretch before bed!”
Some of those signs?
— Every conversation I have, with anyone, includes them asking me if I’m pregnant yet. Particularly my grandparents and parents. This is in stark contrast to 1997, when the overall opinion was, “Girl, you better not be pregnant!”
— You have lengthy conversations with your closest friends about … tax returns.
— Your youngest sibling, who you used to occasionally pick up from jail, buys a minivan and is excited about it.
— Waiters call you “ma’am.” I’m sorry, but I think I’m still a Miss? Yes? Yes.
— You are in bed, and asleep before midnight on New Year’s Eve, and when people text you and wake you up at 12:23 to wish you a happy 2012, you think, “WTF?! Don’t they know I’m sleeping?!”
— You listen to the George Michael Pandora station, and you like it.
— You get appliances for your birthday and major holidays, and you’re excited about it.
— Your google search history includes things like, “how to whiten your nails,” and “why does my washing machine smell funny?” or “can I put Neosporin in my nose?” (Answers: Vinegar, or lemon juice. Because it’s as old as you are. No, you probably shouldn’t, but then you do it anyway, because you’re old and your nostrils hurt.)
— Your DVR is set to record every episode of Dateline.
— You’re drying your hair and find a strand that is completely white, that was definitely not like that the day before.
— You see teenagers at the mall, and you just hate them for no reason. Also, you think all the girls look like Russian prostitutes.
— You make the same sounds your mother makes when you’re falling asleep. (This may not apply to all of you, but if you’re a lady, and we’re related — you probably know what I’m talking about.)
I’m going to go lay on the sofa — and watch Dateline.