(2008 status — Dating Mike, practically living together, still completely smitten)
Is good. It’s better though when someone else is buying.
Is cheap. And delicious. Just like your mom.
(True, and true.)
Can be great. Or hilarious. Or hilariously bad.
(When I met Mike, I knew pretty quickly that I was going to marry him. That was, and is, a great relationship. Before I met him — I dated a lot. And a lot of those dates/mini-relationships were hilarious AND terrible. One guy wouldn’t let me touch anything in his house. Another very condescendingly told me how to boil water to make pasta. Another insisted eating PB&J was disgusting and “American.” One cried too much. One never, ever, touched me after four dates, and another one seemed intent on date-raping me. One took me to dinner, and our waitress was some girl he lived with in college, and they spent the whole night making googly eyes at each other. One had far less hair than his pictures suggested. And another one asked me if I drank a lot of coffee, because my teeth looked stained. All the single ladies? I wish you luck.)
Is a little gay, but not in a bad way. I love anything gay.
(I really, really do.)
Were Japanese? Which means they would have hated me and Kristina.
(So… Since this is the last Survey Thursday, I feel like I should tell you a story. I think I’ve mentioned before that Asian people have a tendency to yell at my best friend. And that I may have accidentally insulted Asians everywhere in front of a room full of Asian bystanders. And by “may have,” I mean I certainly did. See, my bff Matt is a director — and a few years ago I went to see one of his shows with our other bff Kristina. Matt’s parents were also there, and it was the first time I’d met them. After the show, we went out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant with his parents, one of the actresses, her gay boyfriend and her parents.
Katie Holmes had recently married Tom Cruise, and given birth to Suri. Remember when they got married, and he was jumping on couches and making an ass out of himself? And a lot of people thought that it was all a publicity stunt? Yeah, I was one of those people. I had another theory, that Suri wasn’t his baby, either. I felt pretty strongly that she was really Chris Klein’s baby OR they bought her on the black market or something — I was basing this on the fact that this alleged baby was never seen for months. And I thought she looked a little Asian in her baby pictures.I love a good conspiracy. Anyway.
I was very animatedly explaining my suspicions to the entire table. Kind of loudly, because the restaurant was loud. I was really driving the point home. “Not his baby.” “Isn’t he sterile, or something?” “She’s been brainwashed.” “They bought that baby, I’m telling you.”
I was really on a roll, too — about how the baby didn’t really look like either of them, and how she had, what I considered to be, a little case of Asian face. And then three things happened, simultaneously. 1) the restaurant was suddenly silent, and I was still yelling, 2) seven Asian waitresses appeared OUT OF NOWHERE with our food, and 3) I yelled the words “Stupid Asian Face.” It was awkward, to say the least. I swear, it was in slow motion. I mean, there was a stunned silence in the whole place, with the exception of Matt, who could not stop laughing.)
Was a necessary evil…until I downloaded Chuzzle. Now it’s my favorite thing.
(I’m not sure how I survived without an iPhone.)
Make your face fat, and your balls tiny. So I hear.
Should have more nudity.
Almost choked on a pretzel once! Hahaha!
Is excellent for catching drips from leaky pipes.
Is precisely how you’d imagine it.
(Hot. Full of Texans. Great Mexican food.)
Is covered in pineapples, I’d imagine.
Should happen more often – at least quarterly.
Has so many uses!! And causes so many hilarious situations/pregnancies!!
Are like a poor man’s magician.
(Unless we’re talking about Fizbo, in which case, I’m on board.)
France? Pretty and delicious, from what I remember.
Hilton? She’s like an illiterate, blonde Sasquatch.
Are usually crazy.
(You know it’s true, Gouch!)
Are usually not really blonde.
Are better than everyone else, really.
(Let’s be honest.)
Whatever that is that has bacon in it, please. Thank you.
One night stands:
Happen to the best of us. But usually to the worst of us.
Would be better off without that bothersome Captain Hook.
Are communists, according to my father. But then, so am I.
Vanilla ice cream:
Is better mixed with, or dipped in something.
Was foreevvvver ago.
I gave those up 15 years ago.
Are gross, and why I change for the gym at work.
Are either really clean, or really, really dirty.
Usually happen for a reason. A good reason.
Leads to dancing in my house.
(And the grocery store, and my office, and wherever else I happen to be when I hear it.)
Are hilarious. At least, all my friends are.