Original Post Date: May 1, 2008
(2008 status: Two weeks before I met Husbang Mike, and dating another guy named Mike, and boozin it up all over town — usually with Megan.)
If you could be one celebrity for one day, who would it be?
I’d be Ryan Reynolds – I’d just stand around naked in front of a mirror touching myself.
So I’d know what it’s like to rub a naked Ryan Reynolds for hours on end, hello.
How about just one of your friends?
The exact same reason.
In your opinion, what is the worst song ever written?
Whatever that song is that makes Kristina vomit. Circa 2002. We can’t remember what it is, but we know it’s terrible.
(We still can’t remember that stupid song. All I know is one night it came on the radio in her bf’s car, and she made him pull over so she could puke. I would do anything to remember what it was. Mainly so I could play it every time I saw her. I’m a really good friend.)
What about the best?
I love too many to choose.
Tell your worst hospital experience?
There was an incident with a knee surgery and an inept anesthesiologist. I wanted to kill that guy.
(Worst. Day. Ever. And the reason I hate needles so much. A close second would be the one and only time I’ve ever needed stitches. I cut the side of my pinky almost all the way off while I was making my wedding invitations with an xacto knife. After waiting around the ER for hours, they took me back and injected my hand with something to numb it, so they could sew it up. That shot made me want to just cut my pinky off. It was the biggest needle I’ve ever seen — it went through my finger. And it burned. Like, enough that I’d rather spend the rest of my life less one finger.)
Who is the most overrated author you know of?
(2011 Ashley would not jokingly list poor Judy Blume, who I adored in my youth, but would seriously list Stephenie Meyer. I know, people love Twilight. And yes, I read them, to see what all the fuss was about — but the whole time I wanted to find her, and her editor, and punch them in their faces. And I’m not the only one.)
If you could get any tattoo, any size, where would it be and what would it be?
I’d get your face, on my face.
What piercing do you wish you could get away with?
I wish it was considered professional to have a nose ring. I look adorable with a nose ring. I’d have one again in a heartbeat.
(2011 Ashley disagrees. Everybody AND their mommas have nose rings now.)
If you could pick a song to describe your life what would it be?
(Seriously, Google the lyrics. “Ba duba dop, Ba du bop, ba duba dop, Ba du bop, ba duba dop, Ba du, yeah.” That shit is deep.)
If you could be a superhero which one would you be?
Batman, hold the daddy issues.
(I love vigilantes!)
If you were invisible would you do good or bad things?
Very, very bad things.
Is there any good reason a person should be “allowed” to cheat, if so what?
Not really, no. Unless you really want to make out with someone and your bf/gf won’t let you. Then what other alternative do you have?
(Jokes! I heart monogamy!)
If you could look like a person you know personally who would it be?
I feel like I know myself pretty well – I’ll keep this face, thanks.
(What? I’m pretty.)
Would you ever go to a fortune teller?
I’ve been. Apparently I’m going to die when I’m 79 or 97. She couldn’t be sure.
If you had the chance to live forever would you?
Nah. Didn’t you see Death Becomes Her?
If you could be of another race which one would you choose?
Asian, definitely. But then I’d have to hate Kristina.
(So, a few things. Asian people hate my best friend. At least, it seems that way. They always end up screaming at her about something — usually food. Also, there was one time, I accidentally and unintentionally insulted Asian people everywhere, in the middle of an Asian restaurant, surrounded by Asian people. It was very, very awkward.)
What crime would you do that would most likely send you to prison for life?
Some sort of elaborate heist, I’m sure. But I’d never get caught.
(It’s true. I love heist movies. I really think I’ve seen enough of them, that if I had the right crew, I could totally get away with it. The scary part is, I feel like I know enough people with questionable ethics that this could actually happen one day.)
What is the ugliest name you’ve ever heard?
Tell us the funniest joke you know?
What’s brown and sticky?
What is one thing you regret buying?
That bulk box of cock rings.
If you were Britney Spears what would you do?
Invest. And stop wearing wigs.
(2011 Ashley says, “Maybe take a dance class, Brit Brit? Brush up on some things?”)
What do you think is the most important invention created in your life time?
What is the best way to spend a day?
At the beach, drink in hand, cabana boy waiting patiently to service you.
Three words other people would use to describe you?
Loud. Funny. Boobs.
What do you think you will be remembered for after you die?
Pantsless dancing – both indoor and outdoor.
(It’s a gift.)
What is your favorite reality show?
(Remember when Project Runway was new, and good?! I miss that. I don’t even watch it anymore.)
What is your dream job?
(Update: Lottery winner.)
Do you own your own pet?
No, but I’m going to get on that sooner or later.
(Done and done.)
Are you easily annoyed?
Yes! And I’m dating a loud gum chewer. It could be his downfall.
(I don’t remember Old Mike loudly chewing gum. But I guess that’s why I ended up with New Mike.)
If you could re-live a day in your life, what would it be?
The day we went to San Diego & La Jolla.
(I know it’s super corny, but I’d really love to Groundhog Day my wedding. It went by so fast! And once I figured out how to pee in that fancy dress, I would’ve had more to drink.)
It was a really good day. I was drunk by noon. Near the beach.
(La Jolla, not the wedding… I was sober for the wedding — mainly because I was afraid I’d have to pee — and we were surrounded by a blizzard, not sand.)
If you could try any drug, without consequences what would it be?
Life. I’m high on life, bitches.
I hear it’s a gateway drug.