Original Post Date: April 11, 2008
(2008 status — playing the field, like a pro)
What is your favorite movie?
I love American Beauty, because it reminds me to live my life to the fullest. Also, it reminds me that if your closeted gay neighbor makes a move on you, to just go with it, or else they might shoot you in your kitchen.
Name two things that make you angry.
Text-messaging in terms of dating, and pretty much dating in general. It’s confusing and awkward.
(Dating is really, really awful. I’m glad I got married. True story — before I met Mike, one of the guys I was talking to asked me out on the creepiest first date, ever. He was a “lawyer,” only not really. Thanks to gmail, and my tendency to save things for no reason – I have the original emails he sent me. He did, allegedly, graduate from law school – but then opted to skip taking the bar exam – hence the very unoriginal nickname.
It went like this:
Lawyer: “A few questions. What would you be interested in doing? Would you be interested in coming into Baltimore and going out on the town or would you just rather start off with something a little smaller?”
Me: “I’d pretty much be up for anything — I guess that depends on your definition of a night on the town. If that consists of food, and general entertainment, then I’m game. If it consists of robbery or hiding a body somewhere, then I’ll have to think about it some more.”
Lawyer: “By a night out on the town i meant going out how i normally would on a Friday/Saturday night. I will admit that when i drink and do get drunk. Some people dont think that should happen on a first date. If you are one of them then we could just meet up for a drink or two or something.”
Lawyer: “Hey, i never heard back from you. If you still want to get together this weekend, i was thinking you could meet me at my place, then we can take a cab down to Federal Hill. That way we don’t have to find parking, and if you drink too much you can just stay at my place.”
Which, I’m pretty sure means, “I’m going to put roofies in your drink as soon as you go to the bathroom — then lure you home with my legal mumbo jumbo.” Clearly, I opted not to go out with him – aside from the possible date rape, his capitalization skills were sub par.)
Do you secretly love someone?
Everyone I “secretly” love always knows that I’m in love with them. Probably because I do a horrible job of playing it cool around them. Also, I tend to get drunk and then tell them that I love them, so there’s that.
(You know what I love right now? This.)
Favorite time of day?
Around 4pm – because I know I get to leave work soon.
(Now? I get to leave work everyday at 1:30. It’s awesome. Except for the whole getting laid off thing.)
Some sort of cheesy, bacony thing. Pretty much anything covered in one or both of those two things. Like, a kitten wrapped in cheese & bacon? Delicious.
How many times a day do you talk on the phone?
Not that many – but I’ll talk for hours at a time, especially if Kristina, Matt, or Kristin are involved.
Is your #1 on your profile your best friend or romantic interest?
Yes. And yes. He is my bestest, gayest, prettiest lover/best friend.
(And one day, when we grew up, he was my Man of Honor.)
Do you prefer cold or warm weather?
Warm, not hot. Like, yesterday was perfection as far as I’m concerned.
(Oddly enough, yesterday was also perfection. The pool was warm, and the sun was out, and it wasn’t balls hot outside.)
How do you feel about homosexuals?
I try to feel homosexuals as much as possible.
When is it okay to hit another person, or is it ever?
It is ok to hit someone if: you said something funny, and it adds emphasis; they have something you want; they took something you had; you catch them sleeping with someone else; you can get away with it.
(This morning while I was getting dressed, my arm got caught in my sleeve, and when I finally got free, I accidentally punched myself in the chin. In case you wanted to know who the last person I hit was.)
Do you hate anyone?
I kind of hate Rachael Ray. I also hate Ann Coulter.
Are you a virgin?
I was once. About a decade ago.
(I’m so, so old.)
(Also, sorry, Mom.)
(… and Grandma.)
Have you ever hit someone in anger you were in a relationship with?
When we dated in high school, I once hit Gary in the head with a cordless phone. But anyone who knows Gary must know that he had it coming.
(He did. Later, when we dated as adults, I also threw a cordless phone at him. We were a great couple. Also, a corded phone would have been funnier.)
Have you ever been in love with someone who didn’t love you?
Yes, and it is the worst feeling in the world. Except for maybe a UTI.
(Yes, and yeeeessss.)