My husband is the sweetest, quietest, most mild-mannered man in. the. world. He is thoughtful, and pensive, and is a soft talker. He’s so quiet, he routinely scares the crap out me (unintentionally) because I don’t hear him walk into a room, and then I turn around and he’s right behind me. He’d be an amazing assassin. The silent killer. Just like Radon.
He’s taken to announcing himself around the house. “I’m coming down the stairs!” “I’m coming into the kitchen!”
Earlier this week, he had to work late. Like, super late. He got home sometime after 10 p.m.
“I radon-ed the cleaning lady. I heard her come in, and I thought I was making noise.”
“Did she scream?!”
He is completely unaware of how quiet he is. When I ask him to speak up, he’s usually convinced he’s yelling.
So, yeah. He’s really quiet.
Unless he’s behind the wheel of a car.
Then he will straight up murder your ass.
People don’t believe me. But the profanity is amazing. And the murderous rage? Impressive. We drove to a family reunion in New Jersey once, and I thought he was going to strangle a tollbooth operator on the turnpike, for serious.
Last week we went on a date to Ikea — because we’re redoing our home office. We decided to stop nearby to grab some dinner before we started shopping, and we ended up in this teeny tiny little strip mall parking lot, which was packed. We saw a guy pulling out of a spot, so Mike pulled over, put on his blinker and we waited. When the guy pulled out, he came towards us, so we had to wait, and then some d-bag pulled in from the other direction.
Mike was pissed. Hell, I was pissed too — but I’m always pissed about something. So Mike pulls up and blocks the guy and his four friends into the space.
Now, I’m not one to stereotype, and I try not to judge books by their covers… But this guy and his friends were a little rough around the edges. Like, MS13 rough.
“Thanks a lot, asshole!” Mike yells. “That was awesome.”
MS13 just smiles and gives him a thumbs up.
So, Mike flips him off. And then yells, “I make more money than you!” and drives away.