Home Again, Home Again

We’re home from our annual family vacation.

Well, I guess I should say I’m home, since Mike came home four days before I did.

Vacation went by freakishly fast this year. At least, it did for all the people who had to go back to work this week. My lofty goals for post-vacation include organizing my closet and injecting myself with hormones.

The weather at the beach wasn’t awesome. Most days were gray and/or rainy. After several gray days in a row, my mother declared, “I’m not even going to wear lotion today!” which goes against everything she’s ever said to me about sunscreen. For 31 years, it’s been “these are the days you get burned!”

So naturally, I didn’t wear any lotion either.

And five hours later, we looked like lobsters.

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My stepbrother slipped on Monday and managed to break his big toe and sprain his foot. He ended up in a cast and on crutches, so he never got to go to the beach or go swimming.

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There were babies everywhere, but they were all on different schedules, so I feel like I barely saw anyone for more than a few minutes a day.

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Our first night there, the neighbors two doors down left their dog unattended for hours and it never. stopped. barking. People from all over the building left notes on their door ranging from concerned, to hilarious, to homicidal. And to cap it all off, someone kicked in their door 15 minutes before they got home. They were all, “OMG we were robbed,” and we were like, “Uhh, actually everyone hates you and you should probably walk your dog.”

But it wasn’t all broken bones, and rain, and sun damage, and vandalism.

There were lots of games, and food, and giant margaritas.

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I saw someone bite someone else during a game of Pictionary. This, I realize, is weird all on its own. But I come from a long line of affectionate biters, so that’s not really something that phases us. This time though, the bitee didn’t see it coming — screamed, laughed, and then ripped one. That, was funny.

Someone else accidentally poured wine on their shirt, and in an attempt to suck the wine out, flashed everyone in the room (because wearing a bra on vacation is too much work).

My grandma woke up from a nap, because the phone was ringing, and tried to answer the tv remote. That would be funnier, but I’ve seen my mom do the same thing, so I know that’ll be me in approximately 30 years.

After some last minute outlet shopping and an entertaining ride home with my mother, I was home and too lazy to unpack. I blame the puppies who were super excited to see me, and wanted nothing more than to climb under a blanket with their momma and lay on the sofa for hours.

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